Iron Chef: Amestris
by Hamtaro23
Summary: Iron Chef, with all your favorite FMA characters. Watch them battle each other....in the kitchen! RR!
1. Iron Chef

**Iron Chef: Amestris**

_Alright, I don't own: FMA, Iron Chef, Forrest Gump, or the Matrix. The latter only gets a slight mention. _

_Right, so this is just a stupid idea, it gets screwy in the end. It's split into chapters, but I wrote it as a oneshot. It just got too long._

_Read and review, thanks! _

* * *

_click_

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another exciting episode of Iron Chef: Amestris!" Lights flickered on revealing a large stage. Film began rolling, cameramen busy at their station, applause loud from the audience.

Standing in the middle of the stage, between two identical kitchen setups, microphone in hand, was the host, Maes Hughes. Eyes twinkling behind his glasses, he pulled out a picture of his daughter, "Plus! I've got a new photo of my daughter!" He cooed, voice giddy with excitement.

"Lieutenant Colonel Hughes! Sir!" A voice hissed from behind the set, Fuery's bespectacled face appeared, a microphone attached to his head, clipboard in hand, "Please, sir! Put the picture away!"

"But look how adorable she is!" Hughes said, turning to Fuery, kissing the picture. One could literally see the love in the shape of floating pink hearts around his head. "And!" He reached into his pocket, "A new picture of Gracia!"

"Sir! The show! Continue with the show!" Feury jabbed a finger towards the audience. It happens every time, the audience loves it though. Fuery sighed.

"Oh right, the show." Hughes coughed, straightened out his cloth and gave the audience a smile. "Anyways, I'm sure you would all love to see more pictures of my adorable child and lovely wife, but we've got a show to film. So, I present to you today's competitors!"

A smokescreen covered the stage, with a hiss two platforms began to rise. People stood on the rising platforms and as the smoke settled were revealed.

"On your left, is the Flame Alchemist!" Stepping out of the smoke, white chef's garb replacing his normal blue military uniform stood the state alchemist, "Colonel Roy Mustang!"

Enormous applause rose from the audience, screaming fan girls swarmed towards the stage only to be held back by a row of imposing soldiers. Mustang flashed a smile and the applause rose an octave. In the front row sat Ross and Brosh. Next to them were other military personnel bearing banners and other commodities.

"His assistants, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc and Major Alex Armstrong!" The three stepped out and stood behind Roy. Armstrong was shirtless, flexing his muscles and Riza clicking the safety off on her two pistols, glaring at the fan girls. Havoc stood, nonchalant, with another cigarette in his mouth, eyeing the mob of girls and wondering why they didn't go crazy over him.

"On your left, is the Full Metal Alchemist!" A slightly smaller figure walked forward, also donning a white chef's uniform, visibly grimacing at his cloth, was the competing alchemist, "Edward Elric!"

Another wave of applause washed through the crowd. Izumi sat in the back, next to her husband who was carrying a butcher's knife and a banner reading, "Go Full Metal Alchemist!". Next to them were the other homunculi, save for Gluttony.

"His assistant and brother Alphonse Elric, his automail mechanic Winry Rockbell and…" Hughes lowered the microphone and gave a slightly dumbfounded look as the third figured stepped forward. Hesitant, he raised the microphone, "And…Envy?"

Almost everyone on the set and in the audience gave a look of disbelief and confusion.

"Envy?" Ed shouted. "You mean I'm supposed to work with this guy?" Immediately he raised his fist.

"Brother, please calm down." Al said, in his hollow, far away voice, trying to restrain his brother.

"I'm sorry Ed, we couldn't find another person." Fuery suddenly appeared, an apologetic smile on his face.

"Whaddya mean you couldn't find another person?" Ed shouted, struggling to escape Al's arms, trying to punch Envy.

"Aw, poor Full Metal, not happy with my company?" Envy taunted.

"Shut your big mouth! Do I look happy to you?"

"Eh, well, in any case! Today's secret ingredient!" Hughes exclaimed, finger pointing towards a large concealed platter. All attention turned to the secret ingredient, cameras directed towards the plate, Ed and Envy were ignored.

Hughes strode over the platter, "And the ingredient is…!"


	2. Secret Ingredient

**Iron Chef: Amestris**

Secret Ingredient

Hughes pulled, over dramatically, the white sheet, revealing a large mound of pink shellfish. "Is shrimp!"

"What?" Ed immediately turned to Hughes, "Who are you calling a shrimp?"

Al sighed and tried as best he could to hold back his brother. Before Ed could do anything, a flying wrench met its mark, the back of his head.

"Ow, Winry, what was that for?" Ed whined, rubbing his head. Al sighed again.

"We're not here to fight over your height. We're here to win on the show and take home that prize money, so I can buy my new parts!" Winry said, another wrench in hand already, "You'll just have to deal with that weirdo over there."

"Hey, I'm not a weirdo!" Envy interjected.

"I don't care! Shut up and work together!" Winry commanded.

"You know, somehow, her sense of ruthless command remind me of you, Hawkeye." Roy commented on the other side of the set. And immediately he was staring down the barrel of two pistols.

"What was that colonel?" Riza asked, voice deadly.

"Eh, hehe…Nothing first lieutenant." Roy replied, backing away slowly.

Fuery sighed as he watched from the control room, behind the multiple TV monitors. Running television shows were extremely difficult. He turned to Falman, "I told you it was a bad idea having the colonel and Ed on the show, together."

"At least the viewer ratings will go up. The girls, and maybe the guys, all love the colonel, and Ed, together." Falman said, crossing his arms, eyes analytically staring at the scene unfolding on stage. Fuery sighed again, no one seemed to be sharing his concerns.

"Hey, anyone seen those sandwiches?" Breda asked, stuffing the remains of his fourth sandwich into his mouth. Both Falman and Feury pointed towards the back.

"Uh, okay, anyways!" The camera zoomed in on Hughes, his face filling up the screen. "Who wants to see another picture-" Winry raised her wrench and Riza her pistol, Hughes stopped immediately.

"Right, right, right." Hughes strode across the stage, "Let the competition begin!"

And with those words, everyone snapped into action.

"Each team is now hard at work." Hughes noted, suddenly serious, "They each have only one hour to prepare a meal! We'll have to wait and see what these two mismatched teams will churn up! In the meanwhile, let's meet today's panel!"

Sitting in a balcony above the two kitchens were four people. Hughes climbed up the spiral staircase and stood next to the four seated judges.

"First up, we have no other than Fuhrer King Bradley!" The spotlight fell on the square faced man with the eye patch.

"Say what?" Roy asked, looking up from his stir fry upon hearing the name.

"Next, we have Hohenhiem of Light!" The spotlight moved on to the next seat.

"What?" A shout was heard from below, "Hohenhiem! Let me at him!"

"Brother! Watch the food! Brother!"

"Ed! Stop! You're going to knock over the pot!"

"Eh, alright, next we have…Black Hayate?" The spotlight fell on the small puppy, sitting in the chair, tongue hanging, tail waving. He barked. "Uh, well, that's unexpected…" More looks of confusion in the audience.

"Okay, and lastly we have Gluttony…" Hughes said, "A good food related Full Metal Alchemist show isn't complete without this homunculi! After all, he is the overall Major League Eating champion…of the world."

"Now that we've introduced the panel, let me show you another picture of my daughter! Look, she's with mommy in this one! They are so cute!" Hughes begins to ramble on. The camera slowly moves away from him and lands on the two teams cooking below.

"This is the Armstrong family's secret technique! Strong arm shrimp!" With a few flashy flexes of his huge muscles, pink sparkles flying everywhere, Armstrong tossed a plate of shrimp in the air and began punching them. They landed in the same fashion back on the plate, peeled and in a circular pattern.

"Armstrong family's secret shrimp cocktail sauce!" More ingredients thrown into the air and met the fists of the bulky Major.

Snap! "Darn it! Burned another one!" Roy Mustang was frustrated. His alchemy was of no use in cooking. All he did was burn excessively every dish he tried to make. His stir fry was fine until he raised the flames too high and it ended being a black block of inedible ashes. His multiple attempts at cooking shrimp kebabs were not better. In the end, he was completely useless. All he could do was light the stove, and he did.

Jean Havoc glared at the shrimp, he will win the staring contest. He will not loose! Jean Havoc is not a looser! He is a winner! "Hey, where did the shrimp, uh, go?" Suddenly, from out under his noise, the plate of shrimp was gone. He looked left, he looked right and found his arch nemesis in the hands of the first lieutenant.

"Uh," He raised a hand to protest, he was not going to let the first lieutenant take credit for killing his enemy! He was a brave man capable of defeating shrimp. "Aw, what the hell." He said with a shrug, fetched a cigarette and struck the flint wheeling, lighting the tobacco. He'll just deal with the cucumbers.

Riza poured the shrimp into the saucepan over the red gumbo sauce. Humming a tune to herself, she began stirring it. After four minutes she divided the rice into four plates and poured shrimp gumbo on the rice.

On the other side of the set, Ed, Al, Winry and Envy were having slight problems.

"No! Ed! You're burning it!" Al shrieked and rushed over to the plate pot of food.

"Uh! Damn carrots! Why does part 11B not fit into 11B-3?" Winry asked hovering over a plate of carrots trying to assemble the pieces into a flower to adorn a plate of shrimp.

"Bam! Kick it up a notch!" Emeril was throwing a dash of random spices into a pan. "Yeah! Bam!"

"Envy! That isn't helping!" Al ran past him a pot of hot boiling shrimp in his hands.

"Ugh! Forget this!" A clap and the crackle of transmutation later, Ed transformed what used to be the ingredients of shrimp spring rolls into a spear. "Oh damnit! That wasn't right!"

"Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried." A strange slow, southern drawl came from where Emeril, rather Envy was standing. The cameras all swung in the direction of the voice. Everyone on the set stopped and looked over. Standing there, instead of Emeril or Envy was a black man in green fatigues circa the Vietnam War era.

"There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it." The man finished and looked around blankly at the audience. Then, a familiar grin known to be Envy's crossed his face.

And another wrench was set flying. "What the hell do you think you're doing!" Winry screamed.

"Thirty minutes remaining." A voice broadcasted over loudspeakers.

"WHAT?"

"Ah, the competitors only have thirty minutes left!" Hughes announced. "Let's talk to the panel on what they think of the dishes so far!"

"Interesting." King Bradley said, one tentative eyebrow raised, eyeing the dishes Armstrong was preparing.

"I've never cooked, Trisha always did the cooking. I'm not really sure how my kids, Envy included, are going to pull through this. At least they got Winry." Hohenhiem said with a shrug.

"Bark! Bark! Bark!"

"Gluttooooooonyyyy! Foood! Food! Where is Lust? I want Lust!"

"We've only got thirty minutes left and we haven't made one dish! The rate we're going, we're gonna loose!" Winry screamed and pointed at Armstrong who was performing another secret technique.

"Eh, Winry calm down." Ed said, scratching his head. "We're going to be alright."

"Yeah." Winry said in a lower voice.

"Aw, that's so cute!" Envy said.

"Shuddap!" Ed and Winry shouted in unison.

"Colonel!" Riza shouted, "What did you do with the rice?" She asked.

Roy pointed a black mountain of ashes. Riza sighed and shook her head. So much for the sushi idea.

"It's okay, sir." Riza said, nodding sympathetically.

"I'm not much of a cook, lieutenant." Roy replied. He glanced at Armstrong who had a seemingly endless supply of secret techniques.

"What if we sabotage them?" Envy asked, picking at his nails.


	3. Sabotage

**Iron Chef: Amestris**

Sabotage

"What? That's cheating!" Al protested.

"I am the evil villain, I am suppose to do morally unethical things." Envy replied with a shrug.

"That's not a bad idea…" Winry mused. "It's a rather good idea."

"But!" Al began but was cut off by his brother.

"I bet hat bastard colonel is planning to sabotage us as we speak!" Ed shouted.

Envy grinned, "Let's make a little havoc." Eyes settled on Jean Havoc, who was still in a hard battle with cucumbers.

"Queue James Bond theme." Envy whispered, tiptoeing towards the stove.

"Stop joking and just do it."

"Okay, okay." Envy tiptoed over to Havoc. One hand reached up into his pocket, pulling out a lighter. He grinned again, a mischievous grin.

"OH MY GOD!" A scream came from the left, cameras and eyes all diverted in that direction. "MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE! GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

"HAVOC'S ON FIRE!" Everyone screamed silmutanously.

Havoc, cigarette still in his mouth, was running in circles, pants on fire.

"Colonel! Get a fire extinguisher! Major, secure Lieutenant Havoc!" Riza said drawing her pistols. She scanned the area and caught a flash of dark olive whisking around the corner back to the Full Metal side of the stage.

"There you are," Unhesitatingly she took aim and fired. Bullets slammed into the set.

"Lieutenant! Stay still!" Armstrong grabbing Havoc by the shoulders.

"Alright, Havoc, I've got the extinguisher!" Roy said, trying to operate the thing.

"Colonel! Put it out! Put it out! I'm on fire!" Havoc shouted. "Why the hell is the Flame Alchemist trying to put out a fire? HELP!"

Roy gave the handle a squeeze and white foam flew everywhere. "Oh thank god!" Havoc crumpled to the floor.

"Well, that worked." Winry said, staring at the scene. Ed and Al nodded in agreement.

"What do you mean that worked?" Envy shouted, bullets nicking his heel. Riza was standing not too far away, both firearms drawn and firing.

"Uh, let's see, you're gonna get killed by Hawkeye and the Colonel's sabotaged. It's all good." Ed said with a smirk.

"Damn you all! I will get you all!"

"Of course, you know Full Metal Shrimp, you've crossed the line this time." Mustang said, stepping over to the other kitchen. "Trying to set fire to my subordinates?"

"Oh, things are getting heated now!" Hughes commented.

"Who did you call a shrimp?" Ed shouted lunging at the colonel.

"Brother!" Al tried to restrain him, but was too late.

"Oh, leave him be." Winry said.

Roy dodged the attack easily. With a clap of his hands, Ed transmuted his arm into a sword and lunged again. Roy dodged all of his attacks. Another transmutation and a hail of kitchen utensils sailed towards Roy. With a snap, the weapons were incinerated.

"Damnit!" Ed grunted and hands clapped against he floor. The tiles on the kitchen floor began to rise. Roy jumped out of the way, landing on the each tile as they rose. Jump on each like stepping stones.

Ed hopped up on one as well, climbing like stair and racing towards Roy. Ed lunged again. Roy caught his fist. "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

"Stop trying to act like people from the Matrix!" A second fist missed Roy's face by inches.

Roy jumped back on the ground and was nearly knocked over by Envy. Bullets flew over his head. "Hawkeye!"

"Sorry colonel!" With determination she reloaded her weapon.

"Oh god, I'm safe, I am safe now." Havoc sighed with relief, picking himself up. Before he could do anything, he was given a bear hug by Armstrong, was in tears.

"Havoc! I am so glad you are safe!"

"Major, I'm glad too. Please." Havoc struggled. "I. Can't. Breathe!"

"Five minutes remaining."

"Oh god…"


	4. The Results

**Iron Chef: Amestris**

The Results

"We still don't have dishes! We're going to loose! Here! Al, make some coconut shrimp!" Winry grabbed a handful of shrimp and dumped them in a pan.

"Coconut shrimp? How?"

"I don't care!" Winry shouted, "Ed! Envy! Get back here and help!" They paid no attention. "Ugh, men." She let loose two wrenches and hit both of them. "I said get back here!"

"Uh…" Al sighed. They didn't even have a coconut to use to make coconut shrimp.

"Shrimp stew technique!"

"Pan fried shrimp technique!"

"Shrimp pizza!"

"Shrimp burger!"

"SHRIMP!"

"Major, you're quite the cook." Roy said, scratching his head, amazed as he watched the major prepare the dishes in the remaining seconds of the battle.

"Wow, the contestants are really working now." Hughes said, gazing down at the mess below.

"One minute remaining."

"Oh god!" Al said trying to handle a pot boiling over.

"For the love of alchemy, I can't cook!" Ed exclaimed. "Oh, hell, I give up! We're done for."

"Zero minutes remaining."

"Oh! Time is up ladies and gentle!" Hughes said, climbing down the stairs. "Now, the taste test begins!"

The crowded cheered again for the long awaited moment of truth.

"The Flame Alchemist has prepared five dishes! Shrimp Gumbo! Shrimp Kebab! Shrimp Stew! Thousand Shrimp Boat! Shrimp Stir Fry!" The camera moved over all five dishes.

"The Full Metal Alchemist has prepared two dishes! Shrimp…uh. Psst, Ed, what is that?"

"Shrimp burger."

"Yes, a shrimp burger! And shrimp….shrimp, uh, another shrimp dish!"

"Is that that implying I'm short!" Ed shouted.

"Brother….."

"And now! The taste test!" Hughes said.

**Flame Alchemist:**

**Shrimp Gumbo**

_King Bradley_: Interesting flavor.

_Hohenhiem_: Interesting indeed. What a strange combination.

_Black Hayate_: Bark!

_Gluttony_: Food!

**Thousand Shrimp Boat**

_King Bradley_: Interesting name.

_Hohenhiem_: I am feeling seasick.

_Black Hayate_: Bark!

_Gluttony_: Lust? Lust likes boats?

**Shrimp Kebab**

_King Bradley_: Oh, it's good you're an officer and not my cook, Mustang.

_Hohenhiem_: Is that edible? It's gray….

_Black Hayate:_ whimper

_Gluttony_: Mmmm, foood good!

**Shrimp Stir Fry**

_King Bradley_: Same as above.

_Hohenhiem:_ This is the power of alchemy?

_Black Hayate_: whimper

_Gluttony_: Mmmm! More food!

**Shrimp Stew**

_King Bradley_: Uh…..

_Hohenhiem_: This is delicious! I love this dish!

_Black Hayate_: Bark…?

_Gluttony_: Lust?

**Full Metal Alchemist**

**Shrimp Burger**

_King Bradley_: American food is interesting.

_Hohenhiem_: Indeed, I concur.

_Black Hayate_: Bark! Bark! BARK!

_Gluttony_: Lust, gluttony scared!

**The other Shrimp dish**

_King Bradley_: I am glad you are not my cook either, Full Metal.

_Hohenhiem_: Sons, I am so proud of you all!

_Black Hayate_: whimper

_Gluttony_: (Slobbers all over the place and begins to grow larger.)

"And the result is….!" Hughes collected the scorecards and scanned all of them. "Well, the results are….it's a tie!"

"What? What do you mean it's a tie?"

"Oh man…."

"No one wins the prize money! It seems the food both teams cooked was so horrible, they tied as losers!" Hughes said with a shrug. The camera zoomed on Hughes' face. Loud noises, screams and protests were heard in the background, a flash of a giant Gluttony eating members of the audience.

"Well, that concludes this episode of Iron Chef: Amestris! See ya next time on the Military Food Network!"

_click_


End file.
